i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
