I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
