she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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