Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
