even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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