Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
