last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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