I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
