Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Pants are for mortals
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
