What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
