hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
