an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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