I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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