why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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