you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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