I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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