She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
