i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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