im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Sober January is a disaster.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
