His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
