I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
