i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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