my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
