i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
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