I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
