onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
