we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
