I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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