He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
