After last night, I could never be a politician.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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