Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
