apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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