you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
