Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
