shes about as inviting as chlamydia
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
