i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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