I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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