Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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