your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
