My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
