for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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