Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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