Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
