My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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