All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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