Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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