went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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