Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
