Cold hands, warm shart.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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