I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
